TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY

Twenty years ago today our family lost the dearest little boy in the world.  It was his decision to leave at the age of 16.  Don't think he realized the pain and intense suffering the rest of us would have to endure.  For a long time now, I've said to myself.......when I meet him in heaven, will I kiss him first or smack him first!  Won't know 'til the time comes.

The decision to take one's own life is a way out.  None of us really knows what anyone else is feeling or thinking.  Our experience was that he pre-planned his exit date.  Thinking back, he'd been saying to us, "10-4, I'm outta here!"  At the time, we didn't think anything of him saying that.  After all, 10-4 is an affirmative radio signal we all say at one time or another.

Twenty years later, and tears still drip down my face like rain drops down a window.  Shawn was more like a grand-baby to me than a great-nephew.  Our two hearts were tied together from the day he was born.  A couple weeks after his funeral, one of his teachers sent me one of his written assignments answering the question......Who most influenced your life and how?  Reading what he wrote about me about ripped my heart out.

BUT.....twenty years has given me time to heal in my own way, adjust to not seeing him become the doctor he wanted to be.  I've spent endless hours trying to understand, to figure out, but there's no way for that to be remotely possible.  I've learned to let go and let Our Creator handle the pain, because He's the only one who knows what was really going on in Shawn's mind and heart and soul.  All these years later, I'm able to admire the courage it took for a little boy to leave this world as he did.  I think he feared hurting others if he stayed.  

One thing for sure, he lives in my heart and in my mind.  I'm able to relive our fun times together, laugh with him, tease with him, and think about the times the two of us would talk about how much alike we were.  He would say that I'm the only one who had more books than he did.  One time the two of us went to Barnes & Noble, and I told him to go find yourself some good reads.  Both of us did.  We met at the checkout counter, each with our own stack, and I took care of the bill.  The smile I saw on his face is seared on my brain.  Yup, there are things no one can take away from us.

So it is, I share one of the deepest and darkest times of my life.  It was the time that I nearly crumbled, and I was very close to it.  Only my Dale knows, cuz he had to wade through the tears.  Life has its twists and valleys, but it also has its hills and mountaintops.  One step at a time we can make it from despair to acceptance, from acceptance to understanding, and from understanding to letting go and letting God.  Every time I pick up a book to read, I think of my Shawnie and his beautiful smile.  Like Dr. Seuss said, Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened.  

Maybe we had him for only 16 years, but they were real humdingers.  Sleep, sweet boy, and I'll see you again........with either a smooch or a smack!