Am taking a break for about a week.

PIE IN THE SKY

Honestly, I don't fear death as much as I fear losing the gift of life.  Mark Twain's words make perfect sense.  In reality, we die every night when we fall asleep.  One minute we're aware of life, and the next minute we're gone.  

My mother never wanted me to talk about dying.  Once she turned 90, she would talk about when she would "go for pie in the sky."  

Dying is a certainty for every baby that's born.  When I hear about someone going to have a baby, I think about that poor little thing being brought into the world, only to have to wait to one day die.  Oh, I know that sounds terribly negative, but negative thoughts do mingle with the positive, no matter how hard we may try.  It's when we "beat" the negatives that we become optimists.  

None of us knows when our curtain will fall.  We don't have any idea how, when or where we'll meet our last breath.  It's terribly sad when we hear of mass shootings, where a lunatic steals another's precious life.  Doesn't matter the age, cuz life is a life.  Then there's the business of taking one's own life.  How well I know the tragedy of that.....that's something that the human heart can barely endure, and it's something that the human mind cannot ever understand.  When my precious little guy, age 16, put himself in front of a train, well, my world crashed.  But, over time, I came to grips, knowing that he was now free from whatever drove him to that point.  That's what we must do.  Rather than dwell on the why.....we must dwell on our ability to understand.  Resting in peace is far better than living in a private hell.  I write about this, only because I know I'm not the only one who has lived through this godawful human loss.  

Aging is no fun.  We try to make the best of the process, but every day we come closer to that last breath.  That last exhale.  Having been with our parents when they passed away does give one the insight into what's ahead of our own selves.  When my mother was passing away in the rest home, I asked her, "Mom, what is it like to die?"  She whispered, "It's okay."  It wasn't until her final minutes to talk to me about death.

I'm not one to wish my loved ones back.  Rather, my mind rests knowing that they no longer have to endure life's hardships.  Oh, sure, we optimists tend to put our cards on the sunny side of life, but we all know that life is hard in all arenas.  The times of joy are what sustain us and weaponize us to keep fighting our private battles.  My life has been a litany of tough stuff to deal with, and I'm no exception.  Every life has its own trials and tribulations.  There are some who are skilled at painting a glorious picture of their days, their travels, their friendships, their achievements, their this and that........but, it's a facade, it's a tactic to convince.  I don't write this in a snobbish way, but simply talk from my heart.  The sun cannot shine down on only one person all of the time.  It's not possible.  When it rains, it rains on all of us.  When it's sunny, it's sunny for all of us.  All sorts of weather comes and goes......why else would we need meteorologists to tell us what tomorrow's forecast is?  Maybe deep inside of me I have an aversion for braggadocio.  Self-bragging has an unfavorable aroma, one that does not set well with me.  

Am getting my hair cut this afternoon here at Venny's salon.  There's a family reunion and a class reunion coming up in the next couple of weeks.  I can remember back when we girls would buy something new to wear to these events, but that no longer plays a big part in life.  I'm sure there's something in my closet that will work just fine.  Reunions are not style shows, but rather occasions for reuniting hearts....putting forth love to those we have held close over the years.  We are of high school graduating class of 1964, so we'll all be attending this reunion as little old people.  A good number of our classmates have already taken their final breaths, and they will be missed.  Seems our school days were different from today's 2024 classrooms.  We were far less advanced for our age.  It was a different era, before technology.  Typing class was a room full of Royal manual typewriters.  There was no magic correcting tape for erasing errors.  A typing mistake needed to be erased with an eraser.  I feel right at this moment like I'm 100 years old.  Heck, I remember not having running water in the house.  We did have electricity, tho.  

Goodness, my mind is really on a roll.  Have a couple other tasks to do before I trolley to the salon.  The stylist is a sweet young gal, and we have fun talking mainly about her life, her kids and family.  For me, it's interesting to hear what life is like for young parents and the challenges they endure with their teenage children.  The drugs, the booze, the living together, all things that were taboo when we were in high school.  I had my very first alcoholic drink on my wedding night.  My daddy bought it for me at the wedding dance.  He was carrying a tray of mixed drinks to their table.  He looked at me and said, "Here, take one.  You look like you need it!"  Won't ever forget that.   

HOT AND STEAMY

Little Fox went home last evening around 8 o'clock.  Her water and food dish stayed, cuz she'll be back to spend Wednesday with us while her parents go shopping.  

We're in for a few really hot days.  By 3 o'clock this afternoon temp is predicted to be 95, and currently the humidity is 88%.  A painful recipe for arthritis sufferers, like myself.  

The boyfriend brought me this bouquet of orange posies from the garden.  Fresh-cut flowers bring a sense of well-being into the home.  Autumn brings the golds, rusts and oranges, and the greens turn to browns.  Colors are the smiles of Nature ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Last week I watched the Telles trial on YT, and, boy, is that something else.  The defendant took the stand, representing himself, and instead of being questioned by an attorney, he sat up there and made an absolute fool of himself.  This was fodder for the critics of criminal trials over the weekend.  I watched, and every one said the guy is a nut job.  Today we're looking at court instructions, closing arguments and then the jury takes over its task.  Predictions are that the jury won't be out very long.  

The prosecutor's cross-examination of Telles was quite the performance.  Telles has an explanation for everything, and everything was someone else's fault, and his ultimate defense is "someone set me up."  There's so much evidence against this guy, that the trial is a comedy.  Watching a defendant present his case in narrative form is something I'd never heard of before.  Speculation is that his attorney wouldn't jeopardize his legal license, knowing the defendant would perjure himself.  OMG......I used to have to go to a movie theater to see such stuff, and here I can sit and watch it on my laptop all day long if I want.  No wonder I don't get anything else done.  Yup, I'm addicted to crime!

PASSION FOR TREES AND WORDS

I learned something about myself this morning.....I am a dendrophile.  The word comes from the Greek words dendron and philos, which mean tree and loving, or fond of.   

One who is a passionate dendrophile cannot understand how and why anyone could want to cut down a tree for greed or for no reason at all.  That's me.

Every dendrophile feels renewed by spending time in a forest.  That's me.

My favorite kind of forest is the tall pines.  Our number one camping ventures were among the tall pines.  I remember the ground covered in pine needles, and searching for pine cones was like looking for sea shells on a beach.  Part of last winter's holiday decorations here were four large cones that I ordered on eBay from Georgia.  They're still on our buffet, where they look like a small grove of trees.  A ceramic brown bear finishes off the vignette.  

To the Iroquois, the white pine is a symbol of the Great Peace that united their separate nations.  In Native American tradition, pine trees are seen as wise elders of the forest that stand tall through the ages. 

The wood of the pine tree is used in construction and to make paper.  Its resin is used to make paints, turpentine and varnishes.  Pine Essential Oil is used in giving massages, as it soothes soreness, aches and pain.  It also stimulates circulation.  Let's not forget the Little Trees pine-scented car deodorizer that we often see dangling from the rear-view mirror.  

Like bamboo, the pine tree symbolizes strength in the face of hardship.  It does not wither during difficult winters. 

For years, the boyfriend belonged to Trees Forever, a nonprofit charitable organization founded in 1989, headquartered in Marion, Iowa.  TF staff volunteers helped community leaders with tree planting projects.  In our village, the boyfriend and his buddies volunteered their time and planted all the new ash trees that replaced the elm trees.  First, it was Dutch Elm disease that destroyed the elm trees, and now the invasion of the Emerald Ash Borer has created another wave of destruction. 

Guess where fossils of the earliest trees and forest were found...... 

"Traces of the earliest trees--and forest--yet to be discovered on Earth were found just outside the Hudson Valley in Gilboa, Schoharie County, New York.  From the fossilized stumps, scientists estimate that the trees, in the genius Wattieza, grew up to 30 feet tall.  Dating back around 375 million years, these ancestors of ferns would have towered over the rest of the plant world, which then consisted primarily of mosses and liverworts.

Gilboa Fossil

"Many of these fossils were unearthed during work to erect and reconstruct the Gilboa Dam, which impounds a reservoir supplying water to New York City.  Today, you can find displays of Wattieza's ancient trunks outside the Gilboa Museum and along NY Route 990V (just north of a dam overlook)." 

(Photo courtesy of NYC Environment Protection)  The fossil stump of an ancient tree was hoisted from the site of its discovery in 1921.  Up until 2019, it was considered the oldest-known forest in the world.  Then a new discovery in southwestern England shows that forests developed in the region  390 million years ago, some four million years earlier than the one in NY.  

Gilboa Fossils, NY

Gilboa Tree looked like

What makes me half crazy is that I was within 50 miles of Gilboa on a trip to Maine.  I'd have given anything to see these fossils with my own eyes.  Guess I have to be grateful to have come across them in my quest to learn about our Mother Earth.  So much to learn, so little time. 

Guess I strayed away from the word that started today's chain of thoughts....the dendrophile.  Kinda reminds me of the word dandruff.  You see, I'm also a logophile, which is a "lover of words."  The Oxford English Dictionary says it's "a person who is obsessively interested in words."  That's me.

Ta-ta. 

SATURDAY SUNSHINE AND LITTLE SQUIRREL

Good morning!  My day started at 6:30 with Buffy's soft velvety kisses.....and this marvelous sunrise.  We are blessed to look out our windows at night and see the moon watching over us and in the morning the sun announcing a new day.  No matter how good or how bad yesterday might have been, it's a thing of the past.  We can delete it if we choose as though it never happened.  OR, we can wrap and tie it with a bow, and save it forever in our memory box.

Guess who's back!  Yuppers, the little Yorkie arrived yesterday morning with a suitcase packed for a 3-day stay over.   We've been fetching and playing keep-away, taking time for intermittent naps, and then she wakes up and starts her energized bunny routine.  This is a picture of her clunked out.  Today we'll play with toys, we'll snuggle, we'll visit, we'll be silly.  She's a gift of the moment.....we realize that come Sunday evening we'll have to pack up her stuffed toys, chew bones, dishes of food and water, and relinquish guardianship back to her momma and daddy.  Every good thing must come to an end.....one of the worst parts of any life.....human or creature.  Little Squirrel is a tiny mite, yet she carries within her an immense essence of love.  Sometimes she lays beside me and just looks at me with those dark eyes of hers.  I can't help but wonder what she's thinking and feeling.  Are her thoughts and feelings the same as mine?  

Temperatures are predicted to reach mid-90s this coming week and then by next weekend cool down to the mid-70s.  A week from today we have a super-duper-dandy-ditty-bug gathering of cousins planned and from there we're heading farther north to re-visit our favorite resorts and places of the past.  We're going Subaru camping in one of our favorite campgrounds amid the tall pines, for old time sake.  Both of us want to pretend that life is still carefree and we have an unlimited supply of adventurous energy.  Fact is, I'll pack my walking sticks so I can make my way around the whole campground.  Man, the stash of memories that we have in our memory album, well, it makes us wonder how we managed to have that much fun and work our butts off at the same time.  It's that business of our generation appreciating everything we had and did, because we had so little and our vacations were like fairy tales.  That might sound silly to today's youth.  They have at their fingertips a world of entertainment that we couldn't have dreamed would ever exist.  Trips to Disney World and Europe are annual events for some.  When I was a kid, a day of fishing was a really big deal.   

Change seems to be happening as fast as the time is going.  Think I've written about a convenience store chain that had to change all their clocks to digital because the younger employees couldn't tell time on the old-fashioned clock with two hands and 12 numbers.  Sad fact.  When batteries die, the digital clock will be useless.  As a little girl, my daddy taught me how to tell time by watching where the sun is located in the sky.  When it's right above me, it's probably around mid-day or noon.  My estimation may not be to the minute or hour, but it will put me in the ballpark.  If the power grids are taken down and the supply of batteries runs out, a sea of humanity could be stranded with panic.  That's scary.     

RED ONIONS

This recipe appeared on my Facebook feed and caught my eye.  The boyfriend and I are known to make pickled onions to put on sandwiches.  Most of our meals include onions in one form or another......in a salad, in the main dish, sauces or eaten raw as a side nibble.  And, who doesn't love onion rings!  There's an old-fashioned drive-in like back in the 1960's that serves the greasiest and utterly fattening onion rings on planet Earth, yet at least once a summer I treat myself to a large serving.  OMG......they might not be healthy for my body, but they sure do wonders for my emotional health.  Give me that along with a squeeze bottle of ketchup, and I am one happy girl!

Red onions have twice as much of the antioxidant quercetin as white onions and 14 times the amount that's in garlic.  Eating onions is medically touted to reduce risk of heart disease by lowering blood pressure, managing cholesterol levels and reducing inflammation.  Onions contain fiber and vitamin C, which boost the immune system.  Studies show that red onions are effective at reducing colon cancer cells.  This is important to me, cuz my daddy died from colon cancer.  

An onion can make people cry.....

but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

~Will Rogers   

BE AN ANGEL DAY

The groundwork has started for the new nursing home facility being built across the street from us.  There are three housing entities under one corporate umbrella.  This brings live entertainment to the boyfriend, who enjoys watching construction crews work a project from start to finish.   Depending on how long we live, they might be building our next and final home.....right across the street.

Today's to-do list is lengthy, but I'm known to carry tasks over to the next day.  This is yet another element in the 'could care less' attitude that seems to be gaining in speed.  Am unable to pinpoint a day or month or year this change in self-expectation took its grip on me.  I'm thinking it's a good thing, rather than being in a frantic and fitful panic to arrive before leaving home.  

A wonderful breeze has the branches and leaves dancing.  A perfect August day.  Just can't get a grip on how fast the days go by.  Seems it's always Friday.  When we were working, Friday was always days away and the work weeks were endless.  We'd count the hours until the weekend.  It's kinda like life gets tipped upside down.  

In 1993, Rev. Jayne Howard Feldman designated August 22 as a non-denominational National Be an Angel Day......to encourage people to do small acts of kindness for others. 

A small act of kindness can change another's life and may even restore their faith in humanity.

Small acts of kindness have ripple effects and may be carried forward a million times over.  Their reach knows no bounds.  

Doing an act of kindness releases feel-good hormones.  It feels good to do good.

More than ever, we who are alive in 2024, can see for ourselves the global need for kindness.  Bless me Father, but there was a time when I was a social Sally who was out and about and loved spending time with people.  Then Covid struck.  During the time the world shut down, I experienced a new kind of peace that comes without human interaction.  There is so much negativity and lack of moral character out there, I'm the happiest now when I'm at home with the boyfriend doing the things that foster late-life tranquility.  I avoid today's drama and division that's taken over our lives.  Rather than endure all that, I choose to be kind to myself.  Sometimes we forget that acts of kindness can also be directed at ourselves.  

We all have a secret list of people we could easily live without having met or encountered.  I've learned to keep my distance so as not to upset them or me.  Those feelings go both ways, so it's actually a kindness to them that I stay away.  

The old-fashioned common courtesies have been replaced by acronyms.  Thank you is now expressed as TY.  To my silly way of thinking, TY just doesn't feel warm-fuzzy.  The human connection, the one-on-one, face-to-face, has been reduced to on-screen abbreviations and emojis.  Closing a text with a heart or smiley-face emoji, that's an act of kindness. 

The fun part of kindness is that it's so simple.  We don't have to go to a Walmart parking lot and hand balloons to strangers.  It's that business again of the little things, tiny gestures like a smile.  Another societal change is the growing number of people who do not return a smile.  Man, that bugs me, but then I try to sympathize rather than criticize.  There most likely is a painful reason.  

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  Maybe if we reach out with  generous hearts we'll add some sugar to our sour world! 

LEARNING

POWER.....MORALS.....NATURE

A couple of weeks ago I posted a rant regarding a hospital employee's error that caused the cancellation of a surgical procedure.

Since that post, my angst and frustration have changed to prayer.  The first procedure is now re-scheduled for October 22, and the second procedure for January 2.  It's clear to me that hospital staff are doing all they can to remedy the mistake.  This long wait must be a test of my patience.  It's a real discipline to have one's hopes and expectations crushed and be powerless to do anything about it.  One recognizes how little control we have, and that lack of control seems to be growing.  Every which way we turn, there are "powers that be" putting barriers between us and the things we need.  

The boyfriend and I have some serious salsa making and freezing to do.  Years back a dear friend shared the recipe for fresh salsa.  Cut up tomatoes, green peppers, jalapeno pepper, onions, salt, pepper, cilantro and lemon juice.  Am going to make some of that for sure.  It's not only yummy, but packed with nutrition.

The boyfriend picked posies from his garden.  His favorite flowers are gold and yellow, from spring's daffies to autumns mums and mari's.  Fresh flowers bring a sense of calm to the home.  Touches of Nature nurture and sustain us physically and emotionally.  

Earlier in this post I mentioned how it feels when we lose our power.  To me, it feels like half of society has the iron hand of control and regulation holding them in place.......and then, there's the sector that does all things illegal, get away with it, and are compensated besides.  In order for me to be able to function in a world like this, I must rely on Mother Nature to steer my thoughts away from the detriments of society and on Nature's blessings and bounty.  A simple bouquet of posies has the power within them to offer my heart the comfort to trust in a Force beyond understanding.  It is my belief that we, as humans, are losing our morality.  That, to me, is enough to make me cry.  

It was 1 o'clock in the morning when we both walked out on the deck and looked up at last night's Super Blue Moon.  Once more, I looked to Nature to safeguard my faith in a Force that keeps a bright eye open in the darkness.....watching over the world as we inch-by-inch lose our way amid the hate and violence.  There is nothing on this planet that sustains my heart, my mind and my soul like the powers of Mother Nature.  It is She who makes it possible for that bouquet of yellow flowers to come into our home.  It is Mother Nature who lights the day.  It is She who lets us see the stars that can only be seen when darkness sets in.  It is She who allows puffy white cool-whip clouds to float above us.  She alone sends rain to fill the wells deep inside the earth.  Mother Nature's gifts just keep on giving.  I can understand why She sends hurricanes, tornadoes, wild fires, tsunamis, flooding.......Mother Nature gets angry and frustrated, too.  When humans greedily destroy Her rain forests and Her wooded lands that serve as homes and shelters for wildlife .....is it any wonder She sets the Earth in cycles of destruction.  Remember the Chiffon Margarine commercials in the '70s.......It's not nice to fool Mother Nature?

SYMPHONY OF RUSTLING LEAVES

For the crafters out there, here's a sweet and simple craft to make for your front porch or front door...........

A SOURCE FOR DEEP THOUGHT

"I stopped to admire a spider's web....Threads of gossamer had that mite woven in a symmetrical net of perfect lines that was now embellished by droplets of dew, each globule a minute mirror that returned images of the sky and the grasses and the trees, tiny cameos enameled in color against a background of burnished silver.  In the heart of the masterpiece was the builder, a small crouched being all furry and gray and black, whose shining legs gripped the silks they had so carefully arranged."  ~R.D. Lawrence (1921-2003)

"Heavy dew this morning and every spider web in the garden is strong with pearls of moisture....webs wherever I look, all shining things of silver beauty.  The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider's web."  ~Edwin Way Teale, 1953

"Spiders are busy spinning webs in the grass, in the bushes, wherever there is prey to be caught....made of silken strands only a few millionths of an inch thick but stronger than steel.  Structures that are pure beauty when jeweled with morning dewdrops."  ~Hal Borland, 1973

"Oh Daddy.  Daddy O.  How'd you get those legs to grow, so very long and lean in size?  From spiderobic exercise?  Did you drink milk?  Or chew on cheese?  And by the way, where are your knees?"  ~The Daddy Long legs, 1998

"What's miraculous about a spider's web?.....I don't see why you say a web is a miracle.  It's just a web."

  ......"Ever try to spin one?"

"To ask an author who hopes to be a serious writer if his work is autobiographical is like asking a spider where he buys his thread.  The spider gets his thread right out of his own guts, and that is where the author gets his writing."  ~Robertson Davies

"The greatest force is derived from the power of thought.  The finer the element, the more powerful it is.  The silent power of thought influences people even at a distance, because the mind is one as well as many.  The universe is a cobweb...minds are spiders."  ~Swami Vivekananda

"Many and most moments go by with us hardly aware of their passage.  But love and hate and fear cause time to snag you, to drag you down like a spider's web holding fast to a doomed fly's wings.  And when you're caught like that, you're aware of every moment and movement and nuance."  ~Walter Mosley

"Health is the greatest of God's gifts, but we take it for granted; yet it hangs on a thread as fine as a spider's web and the tiniest thing can make it snap, leaving the strongest of us helpless in an instant."  ~Jennifer Worth

"If I were confined to a corner of an attic all my days, like a spider, the world would be just as large to me while I had my thoughts about me."  ~Henry David Thoreau

"What shall I compare it to, this fantastic thing I call my Mind?  To a waste-paper basket, to a sieve choked with sediment, or to a barrel full of floating froth and refuse?  No, what it is really most likely is a spider's web, insecurely hung on leaves and twigs, quivering in every wind, and sprinkled with dewdrops and dead flies.  And at its center, pondering forever the Problem of Existence, sits motionless the spider-like and uncanny Soul."  ~Logan Pearsall Smith

"The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place:  from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web.  The problem is not that there are problems.  The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."  ~Theodore Isaac Rubin

"Apart from thoughts, there is no independent entity called the world.  In deep sleep there are no thoughts, and there is no world.  In the states of waking and dream, there are thoughts, and there is a world also.  Just as the spider emits the thread of the web out of itself and again withdraws it into itself, likewise the mind projects the world out of itself and again resolves it into itself."  ~Ramana Maharshi

"The wisdom of bees, ants and spiders?  What wise hand teacheth them to do what reason cannot teach us?.......The civility of these little citizens more neatly sets forth the wisdom of their Maker."  ~Thomas Browne

"Just imagine the banner headlines if a marine biologist were to discover a species of dolphin that wove large, intricately meshed fishing nets, twenty dolphin-lengths in diameter!  Yet we take a spider web for granted, as a nuisance in the house, rather than as one of the wonders of the world."  ~Richard Dawkins

A DAY IS NOT A LIFETIME

BO-HO TO THE CORE

This photo caught my eye, cuz I'm a Bo-Ho to the core.  A Bo-Ho is a bohemian free-spirit who mixes different cultures and artistic expression, with emphasis on organic elements and nature.  All things in this photo are earthy, from the bamboo ceiling to the colorful rock wall and potted live plants.  

Man are we enjoying earth's bounty.  The red and yellow tomatoes drip with goodness.  Salads reign supreme for me year 'round, but the store-bought just can't compare to the home grown.  Two butternut and two acorn squash are in the veggie basket on the kitchen counter.  Yummy yum yum yum time of the year. 

 Isn't it amazing how the vegetables we grow make their annual appearance in a predictable order.  Same with the flowers we plant and the ones nature plants in the ditches along our roads.  Soon we'll be seeing goldenrod. 

Interestingly, goldenrod is the state flower of Alabama, Kentucky and Nebraska.  I grew up thinking that goldenrod pollen caused hay fever, but that's not the case.  Goldenrod was mistaken for ragweed which blooms at the same time and does cause hay fever allergies.

Goldenrod

Native Americans chewed the leaves of goldenrod to help relieve sore throats and toothaches.  An herbal tea is also made with the flowers.   The vibrant yellow flowers are used to make natural dyes, too.  

In our part of the country, when we see goldenrod blossoming, it's a sure sign that autumn is approaching.  They're kinda like Mother Nature's trumpets announcing her seasonal change of attire.  Life is all about cycles, isn't it?  A continuous flow of change even when we want everything to stop and stay as it is.  

SHOES

Life is like a journey through different sizes of shoes. Each pair represents a unique phase, filled with its own challenges and beauty. No matter how tough the problem you encounter, remember that it's just another phase. Keep walking forward, knowing that every step, no matter how difficult, brings you closer to brighter days. Everything will be okay.

Facebook's daily feeds are a wealth of positive thoughts. Visuals are particularly helpful, like the above illustration of life starting with baby shoes up to adult shoes. The dolly that my Gramma made for me when I was the same size as the dolly, now wears my first pair of white little girl shoes. Both of them have tagged along with me all these years.

Tis a rainy day where I live. Rain drops cling to the bottom of the deck railing, just waiting to fall. The week has wings, it's already Thursday. Yesterday I got caught up in another trial of the guy who allegedly shot and killed the news reporter who had written unfavorable things about him. As an elected official, the news articles cost him a re-election. Prosecution's opening was so powerful, I can't imagine what will bring a reasonable doubt into the picture. Surveillance cameras show him leaving his home, going to the reporter's home, and leaving. A search warrant of his home revealed the clothing worn on said surveillance. Overwhelming evidence provided to the jury in a masterful manner. Will spend today in that courtroom watching the evidence unfold.

SAD and MAD

Feels like I'm wrestling with a pig.  Getting muddier all the time.  The hospital employee

in charge of insurance approval will not and does not return my calls.  I've left at least five polite voicemails.  This morning I injected the words, "or, perhaps I need to go higher up on the ladder to get answers."  Even that didn't ferret out a phone call.  In five days it will be 2 weeks since the doctor called me saying insurance won't approve my surgical procedure.  This whole situation has me in a snit, and for that reason today's post is a whiny one.  With all the ISM complaints, I'm going to start calling out ageism as the reason for this mistreatment.  A discrimination that no one talks about. 

PRACTICE THE PAUSE

What better advice can we be mindful of than to PAUSE?  I think it's our nature to respond to the unexpected with a knee-jerk reaction, or in an unthinking way. 

"Life is a weird thing because it puts roadblocks in front of you, sometimes you gotta go through it, sometimes you gotta go around it, sometimes you gotta take a pause and look back at what you're gonna do, have a plan."  ~Israel Murray

"Give yourself the permission to pause to create sacred space--the space to consciously choose how you want to respond to any situation."  ~Dr. Debra Reble

"Pause before you respond to any situation.  Pause longer if it is a negative one."  ~Sunita Biddu

"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."  ~Mark Twain

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."

"Let's stop telling each other how busy we are."

"Silence is something more than just a pause.  It is that enchanted place where space is cleared and time is stayed and the horizon itself expands.  In silence, we say, we can hear ourselves think; but what is truer to say is that in silence we can hear ourselves not think....In silence, we might better say, we can hear someone else think."  ~Pico Iyer 

"I am annoyed by individuals who are embarrassed by pauses in conversation.  To me, every conversational pause refreshes."  ~George Sanders

"A photograph is the pause button of life."

"Prioritize your pause.  Practice being calm when you feel like you're being challenged or tested.  Overreacting only creates regret.  Take a few hours or days for things to clear out.  Be emotionally intelligent so you can be in the right state of mind to make better choices.  ~Idil Ahmed

MEDLEY OF REFLECTIONS

What a wonderful night of dreaming!  Man, you oughta see the 5# pail of fish I caught with just a stick, line, hook and worms.  Found what we call a "honey hole," which is an area in the body of water where the fish are biting like crazy.  Yup, my dream took me to the water where I was putting worms on the hook, removing hooks from the fish's mouths.  I was catching blue gill, rock bass and bass and couldn't wait to get home and show my brother what I caught.  This morning I was telling the boyfriend about my dream, and naturally he had to remind me that the only way I can catch fish is in a dream.  Such a putz he is.

Woke up this morning just as the sun was coming up.  My brain was awake enough to grab my phone and capture a picture of it.  Went back to sleep, of course, but now am happy to share the beauty of my world.

Once again it's Monday.  A whole new week before us.  Got a message last night from Buffy asking if she could stay with us the weekend of the 23-25th.  I wrote her back saying that we have the Special Sweet Suite available those two nights, and she reserved them.  Yippee!

How did we function as a society before messaging?  before smart phones?  before computers?  

Voicemail is a feature that I like and dislike.  It's a polite excuse for not wanting to talk with people.  I'm waiting for my call to be returned from the hospital, but nothing.  I placed a second call this morning and got voicemail, and no call back.  This is what happens when the patient knows that the hospital screwed up.  Won't prolong that, but, yes, the battle goes on.

The 2024 Olympics are officially over.  We'll miss having the competitions on the telly.....cannot fathom the strength and physical and mental disciplines that these athletes have achieved.  From my perspective, it's a whole lot easier being a nobody.  There are those of us who prefer to be hummingbirds among the eagles.  

Today's bit of wisdom from my birthday book is "To drink in the spirit of a place you should be not only alone but not hurried."  Words of George Santayana (1863-1952), poet, philosopher and novelist.  Next to Ralph Waldo Emerson, Santayana is arguably one of the best writers in the Classical American tradition.   

Another Santayana quotation is...."There are books in which the footnotes, or the comments scrawled by some reader's hand in the margin, are more interesting than the text.  The world is one of those books."

When I read a book, my reactive thoughts are jotted down in the margins of the pages.  Underlining and highlighting are the only ways for me to return to certain passages.  When one buys a book that's previously been read, it's great fun for me to read the thoughts of the previous reader.  Sometimes their thoughts will light a light in the darkness and make me aware of something I hadn't thought of before.  That's what I love about used books.  A brand-spanking-expensive hard cover book is too pristine for me.  I like knowing that other eyes have read the words, other hands have held the book, and each page has been turned by another reader.  The book may have felt tears and heard laughter.  The used book is like a friend of a friend.  

I have a couple of my grandmother's books, and she marked where she leaves off by pressing her fingernail onto the page.  I put my finger on that tiny fingernail indent on the page and can touch her in a surreal way.

This is why I love quotations.  Profound thoughts of another person often jar my memories loose or give birth to new thoughts.  The mind is like a rubber band.  What good is it if it's never stretched and never used?  We don't need an Oxford or Yale education to learn.  In this techy age, we can be the student and teacher, we can be free-thinkers.  Maybe it's because my life ruler is getting shorter......I can't seem to learn enough about what's within my grasp.  

Best close.  I can feel my brain wanting to do a high dive here.    Ta-ta for today.   

CANADA'S BALANCING ROCK

Balancing Rock (Canada)

With a height of 128 feet, it's called Nature's Time Post.  A 235-step staircase leads to a platform with a view of St. Mary's Bay on the Bay of Fundy.    

Map of Nova Scotia
(Balancing Rock in red)

In 1983, we crossed the Bay of Fundy as part of our 3-week camping adventure to Nova Scotia.  Back then, we weren't aware of the balancing rock, but had we known, it would have been on our must-see list along with Peggy's Cove. 

About 1.5 hours north of here, is the seaside town of Digby, with restaurants that serve the town's specialty:  scallops.  Aaaaah, the things we miss along our way! 

This morning's FB feed brought me this meme.  It strikes me as most applicable to my recent days, cuz, trust me, I'm trying my best to deal with life as it's passed to me on a platter.

After taking a few days away from here, I realize just how much I need to write and share.  Over the years, I've learned to visit with my followers as though they were seated beside me, sipping coffee or tea or bloody mary or chardonnay, or whatever.  I missed you all.  

I won't dwell on my recent setback, but will update.  After my surgical procedure was denied by insurance, I received in the mail a letter from a contracted agent of Medicare known as National Government Services.  (Yes, our Medicare Program pays our $$ to other entities to deny our health care claims.  The money that we should be getting is going to another agency to deny our right to insurance that we pay for.  Please allow that to sink in.) 

The paper on which the letter was written is 2-sided, back and front.  On the front, is the letter addressed to me, which in part reads:  "Certain hospital outpatient department services that are cosmetic and are not medically necessary are not a Medicare covered benefit."  On the reverse side, they sent me a copy of the denial letter that was sent to the hospital.  Here is what is written to the hospital:  "The visual field studies to support the visual field loss reported and photographs were not included in the documentation provided."  I read that line over about five times.  You have got to be kidding me.  The hospital took a series of photographs in the medical photography section of the hospital and I had peripheral vision testing done, as well.  For what?  None of it was sent to Medicare to support my claim.

That's not the end of it.  When I realized the source of the error, I tried calling the hospital to speak with the surgeon's assistant. (I want them to know that I know why my procedure was denied.  The hospital naturally didn't tell me they screwed up.) A voicemail took me to another department, where I left a message.  About an hour later, I received a call back.  The person who returned my call told me how sorry she was and would do what she could.  A day passed.  Yesterday I got a call from that same person, giving me the name and number of a person in the department responsible for the error.  She tried connecting me directly with this person, but, once again, I got a voicemail.  No call back.

Like the above meme shows, my umbrella is upside down and hopefully my garden of good thoughts will grow and blossom into an approved surgical procedure.

For my birthday, I was gifted with a beloved book of Daily Calm with 365 days of serenity, with photos and wisdom to soothe the spirit.  Isn't it beyond coincidental that today's message reads:  "Patience, n. a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue." ~Ambrose Bierce

It's good to be back.  
 

UPDATE

 My phone rang at 8:30 this morning.  It was the surgeon advising me that my insurance company won't approve tomorrow's scheduled procedure.  Stunned by this news, I listened as he explained that he is appealing the decision.  The insurance company needs two weeks to review the appeal.  SO, here I sit in a sea of salty tears.

Since this morning, I've had time to steer my brain toward a positive mindset.  Perhaps we were spared an accident on the way to the hospital or on the way home.  Who knows.  Regardless, the doctor's sincere concern has me holding onto hope that my eyes can get fixed.

Now, I can't help but think when someone sitting in the judgment seat sees my age plus the word plastic surgeon, they immediately think OLD and VANITY.  Understandable, but not accurate.  Appearance has nothing to do with the two surgeries that will give me back peripheral vision.  From my perspective, this is age discrimination.  Nobody is screaming out the words OLD LIVES MATTER.  Honestly, I can't say I've ever heard those words come out of another human's mouth.

After my doctor told me the news, I tearfully told him that there are thousands of illegal immigrants in our country getting services and money, yet we who have worked to pay our way, earned every penny we've ever had at our disposal, we are denied medical help that we pay for every month.  In response, the doctor said, "Yes, and I'll bet you always paid your bills on time.  It's not right."

For those who are my age, tonight's blog is for us.  We have stepped across the line into the most disconcerting, unfair, frustrating, under-valued stage of our lives.  All we have is the inner strength we have built up over a lifetime.  And, that is what I'm functioning on tonight.  I admit to being so incredibly upset today, yet I've managed to busy my mind and be thankful that I have eyesight, am otherwise healthy, and have the mental ability to categorize my battles.  

For the next two weeks, I will hold onto faith in the surgeon that was divinely assigned to me.  He could be a wise guy who could've written me off and said there's nothing he can do.  But, that's not what he did.  He had already started an appeal on my behalf with the insurance gurus.  It's always interesting to me how sometimes our own families care little about what we're going through, yet a doctor who doesn't really know a person, will speak in caring terms, aimed to soothing their patient's emotional pain.  That is a blessing that I'm squeezing tightly and close to my heart.  

Isn't it interesting how I pour my heart out in this blog?  You see, this is a personal journal, no different than if it had a lock and key and is kept hidden under the mattress.  That is the value of keeping a journal, plus it preserves in book form what it is like to live the various stages of life.  Just maybe, someone someday will read this post and say, "gosh, look what she went through and how she handled it."  That's the guts of my writing.  Honestly, if I was asked to write a novel, I could in no way do that.  I'm a personal experience writer, who writes from the heart and soul.  This isn't a make-believe story that I've dreamed up.  No, it's how life sneaks up on us with upsetting surprises.  These hours later, I can now see the value of the saying "every life touches the other."  Some in good ways, others in bad ways.  When someone hurts us or our feelings, someone will come along to balance with kindness and understanding.  

I'll be back in a few days.  Am going to turtle in until it feels right to emerge.  

TAKING A BREAK

I'm taking a break for about a week to tend to medical issues.  

Ta-ta.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

 This morning I read a quotation by Kent Nerburn that contained the words, "We are all children of chance."  Scientists say the odds of you being born are 1 in 400,000,000,000,000.  I needed to look up how to say that number, and find that the chances are 1 in 400 trillion that you and I were born.  Really try to grasp that calculation. 

Also according to scientists this calculation considers the likelihood of your parents meeting and having a child, given the number of people on Earth at any given time.  Then let's think about the nanosecond of shared love that resulted in conception.  The probability of the right sperm meeting the right egg is 1 in 400 quadrillion. 

Just for the fun of it, let's also take into account the fact that there are an estimated 200 billion to 2 trillion galaxies in the current observable universe.

According to the internet, the probability of your existence is 1 in 10^2,685,000.  This scientific notation is a 10 followed by almost 2.7 million zeros. 

Okay, now, let's go another step.  What is the definition of a miracle?  A miracle is an event so unlikely as to be almost impossible.  

Now........do you feel that you are a miracle?  You definitely should, because you are.